


The McNugget AU

by Unforth



Series: Tumblr Ficlets: Supernatural [56]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, I Don't Even Know, Improvised Sex Toys, M/M, now with plot, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-17 15:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unforth/pseuds/Unforth
Summary: Dean and Castiel are Chicken McNuggets.Blame Tumblr.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [poD7et](https://archiveofourown.org/users/poD7et/gifts), [Alessariel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alessariel/gifts).



> I've seen [this post](http://unforth-ninawaters.tumblr.com/post/159407558073/formidablepassion-lunaaltare-you-ever-have) circulating on Tumblr from time to time and kinda semi-joked that if anyone ever actually mentioned me in relation to it I'd write a McNugget AU.
> 
> Yesterday I got mentioned TWICE in relation to it.
> 
> And then the challenge came...  
> [here!](http://unforth-ninawaters.tumblr.com/post/159416426158/unforth-ninawaters-unforth-ninawaters)
> 
> pod7et; You absolutely know that if you wrote straight up crack I’d break my longfic rule (aka save it for later) and read all 500k of it. Because who wouldn’t write a 500k McNugget fic?
> 
> ...so, this isn't 500k of McNugget AU, the but it is like 802 words of McNugget AU, written throughout my day yesterday (I added a chunk if I refreshed and the post had new likes/reblogs. :) )

Cas is the one shaped like a hockey puck.

Dean is the one with the strange knobby bit sticking out that is supposedly there to make it look like it really came off a bird except that no bird ever was shaped that way.

They’re just two nuggets in the ten pack…

* * *

It’s a tough row to hoe, especially because neither one has hands, so they can’t really hoe  _anything_. They only can meet and come together when the nugget box is jostled, and there’s no knowing when they’ll next be torn apart by cruel circumstances. Their lives have been repeatedly ruined by speed bumps - every time the car goes over one, the take out bag falls to the floor and they’re cruelly, horribly separated once more. 

Luck is with them, though. The buyer - a red haired woman whose name they’ve yet to catch - sees how inseparable they are, and spares them from the holocaust of lunch. 

“Ya know, I heard once that McDonald’s food is so synthetic that it just…doesn’t go bad. Like twinkies, ya know? So how about you two join Hermione on my shelf, and we science this fucker?”

* * *

From then, life gets much better (such as life is). They can’t talk, they can’t hold hands, they can scarce interact, but they’re  _alive_ , and  _together_ , and it seems pretty clear that the red head - whose name turns out to be Charlie - is not going to eat them. As Cas-nugget points out philosophically,

“It’s been a week. We’re certainly stale.”

“More like  _you’re_  stale,” Dean-nugget grumbles.

* * *

Getting to know their neighbors occupied a lot of Cas-nugget and Dean-nugget’s time. They meet Hermione first (or H, as Charlie always calls her), who is smug and can sometimes come of as full of herself, but has a heart of gold and defends them constantly against bobblehead Darth Vader, who continually threatens that if only he had legs he’d come over and show them how truly powerful he is. Hermione finds this absurd, since Darth is  _supposed_  to be able to use the force and if he were  _really_  a Sith Lord he could just telekinetically  _move_  Cas-nugget and Dean-nugget to his mouth.

Darth’s very mature, measured reply is that Hermione can  _wingardium levio-suck_  his dick.

* * *

The times when Charlie actually eat pez from the pez dispensers arrayed nearby make Cas-nugget and Dean-nugget especially nervous. If she’ll eat the pez that, Aragorn-dispenser casually explains, has been sitting on her desk, since the fall of Numenor (which he further explains was in SA 3319, or something like that) then she’ll eat  _anything._

Cas-nugget and Dean-nugget aren’t sure when SA 3319 is in relationship but it sure  _sounds_  old.

Hermione insists that calendar is just made up, with an aloof sniff, and that the pez has only been there a couple years.

* * *

Dean-nugget and Cas-nugget met when, not long after their meat was compressed into acceptable nugget shapes and their outsides were breaded, they were thrown together in a bag of thousands of other nuggets to be shipped to a local Mickey-D’s. Within minutes of being thrust into the freezer, they were stuck together. At first, this was an awkward union, but the longer they were joined, the more comfortable it became, until slowly but surely they grew inseparable figuratively as well as literally. The other nuggets scoffed - two nuggets can’t fall in love! - but they ignored the haters. 

Being thrown into the frier was the scariest moment of their lives.

* * *

Intimate times are weird when the participants are chicken mcnuggets. Dean-nugget has the knobby bit, so he’s obviously the top, whereas Cas-nugget has such a lovely round shape that of course he’s the bottom. Privacy is hard to come by, and Hermione always says she’ll cast a spell to give them privacy but she never actually does so. It’s still less awkward than when Samwise-dispenser and Frodo-dispenser get intimate, though. Their heads squeak every time they flip their heads back.

* * *

 

One day, Dean-nugget gets the idea that they should try rolling off their shelf beside Hermione and try to make it to Charlie’s. The internet sounds pretty awesome and watching it would give them something to do at night other than listen to Hermione and Darth Vader bicker. Dean-nugget suggest Cas-nugget take the plunge, because he’s round and will roll well, but Cas-nugget is nervous. What if he falls off the desk? He could be stepped on, or swept up by the janitor, or eaten by the company dog. When he points all this out, Dean-nugget scoffs,

“What are you, chicken?”

Cas-nugget is so offended that he doesn’t talk to Dean-nugget for the rest of the day. Dean-nugget thinks he’s hilarious; he uses the joke at every viable opportunity for days.

Hermione kinda starts to hate him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...uh...I kept going.

“Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet  _now_ ,” scoffs the familiar voice of Charlie’s boss. His name is Dick Roman. The stormtrooper guarding Darth Vader never stopped making filthy jokes about it. Dean helps. Dick comes to talk to Charlie rarely, and when he does always seems to be flirting with her weirdly (”doesn’t he know she doesn’t  _like_  dick?” is Dean-nugget’s preferred response). “Screw the ‘little guys,’ what they don’t know about the dangers of our product won’t hurt them! I mean, it will hurt them, but who cares?”

It’s late. Dick voice gets louder as he approaches, talking on his cell phone, and then softens again as he walks by.

“Just…stop talking. Market the TDK. I don’t care how  _McDonald’s_  does it. Biggerson’s’ll be the only place with turkey  _and_  duck _and_  chicken on the menu! And if the FDA hears one word of this…”

The conversation fades as Roman moves too far away.

Stunned, Dean-nugget turns to Cas-nugget.

“What did we just over hear?”

“We’ve got to tell someone!” Hermione squeaks.

“You’ll never overcome the power of the  _Dark Side_!” rumbles Darth Vader.

“But…but…his name is  _Dick_ ,” giggles the stormtrooper.

“Shut  _up_ ,” Darth grumbles.

“Okay, Dean - I’ll do it,” Cas-nugget resolves with determination. “I’ll try to reach Charlie’s keyboard.”

* * *

 

Charlie gets to work.

Humming happily to herself, hips swinging to the music playing over-loud in her headphones, she does a twirl, flares out her hair and jacket, and with practiced movements drops her bag over the back of her chair and her butt into the seat.

She opens her eyes.

She freezes.

The round McNugget is sitting on her keyboard atop the  _enter_  key. 

Hermione is tipped over.

The ruler that’s usually in her jar of office supplies is propped against the rise where her figurines are and the base of her desk like a ramp.

Darth Vader is  _frowning_.

The stormtrooper is missing.

And the blinker flashes on a word document that reads,

dck rmn

bggrsn

tdk

fda

“Woaaaaaaaaaah. What the heck…weirdest morning  _ever_. H, you tryin’ to tell me something?”

She puts the McNugget back on the shelf, rights Hermione, and frowns back at Darth Vader.

“Thank God you’re alright,” Dean-nugget murmurs over and over.

But damn he wishes that Cas-nugget was actually touching him.

He can’t risk moving until Charlie is gone.

He just hopes that Charlie understands the message.

* * *

By the time Charlie’s phone makes its familiar chime to notify her, and by extension all the figurines on her shelf, that the end of the work day has come, Dean has given up hope that they’ve managed to communicate anything to their brilliant, flighty savior. Charlie’s day has been hopelessly ordinary. Singing under her breath all the while, she’s sat at her computer typing endlessly, occasionally turning to access a drawer, occasionally pausing to talk to a coworker, and slumping back in her chair for a half hour at lunch time, eating yogurt and reading something on her phone.

Usually, when her alarm indicates 5 PM, Charlie gets up, stretches, says goodbye to Hermione and her other figures, stares at Dean-nugget and Cas-nugget for a few endless seconds during which Dean stays as still as he possibly can and prays that Cas-nugget doesn’t sneeze (they think Cas-nugget might be allergic to the disinfectant the janitors use, but at least he doesn’t snore like Boromir-dispenser does, fit to wake the dead…). She usually pops in her head phones and leaves, smiling.

Dean has been shimmying closer to Cas-nugget all day; he hopes she ignores them, because they’re nearly touching again, and it’d stink if she realizes that they’re not where she placed them that morning.

No worries, though. She doesn’t even glance at them.

Today, her eyes narrow, she turns off the alarm, and hunches close over her keyboard, working away. Coworkers go by, surprised to see her still at it, and she jokes, “Deadlines, you know how it goes.” 

Finally, she half-rises, just enough to see over her cubicle walls, looks covertly around, then drops back into her seat. She looks to Hermione, fist bumps the statue (Hermione grunts and whimpers but doesn’t try to avoid the punch) and says,

“Okay, H, let’s do this!”

* * *

“So…right…this is all impossible…you can’t, like,  _move_  can you?” Charlie glances at the shelf of collectibles, and her eye snags on Dean-nugget and Cas-nugget. Her gaze flicks to where Cas-nugget  _started_  the day - where she put him - and Dean-nugget follows her look and realizes there is a telltale grease stain and a faint smear showing here Cas-nugget has moved by tiny degrees to get closer to Dean-nugget.

 _Dammit, McDonalds, if you didn’t use so much grease…it’s been days, weeks even, how are we_ still _greasy?_

“Did you…did you…?” Charlie chokes in strangled tones.

Moving as if in a dream, she grabs a tissue and cleans up the smear.

“Don’t…move…a muscle…” Dean-nugget breathes to Cas-nugget through closed lips.

“Dean…I don’t  _have_  muscles,” Cas-nugget protests.

Charlie is staring at them.

“You can  _talk_?”

“Great job, guys.” Hermione rolls her eyes.

“Hermione?” Charlie squeaks.

“I didn’t do!” Pippin-dispenser chimes in.

“That’s right, it wasn’t us this time!” Merry agrees. “Can’t blame us one whit!”

Charlie faints.

“ _Great_ ,” Hermione says caustically. “ _Now_  what?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone stop me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written to this prompt from Alessariel:  
> Mc Nugget Au headcanon: One day, Dick Roman goes into Charlie's office to snoop around on her computer when he notices Darth Bobblehead on the shelf. And his perfect, flared fat head. And he gets some really disturbing ideas.... (I'm squicking myself out with this headcanon, just so you know. If you choose to completly ignore it, I would definetely understand) (also I'm not submitting this on anonymous because you'd know who it was anyways)

Dick has suspicions. Bradbury is a great employee but recently she’s been acting out of character - furtive, in a cartoon villain kind of way, and she’s been working late hours. The collection of weird junk on her desk has also grown, and the addition of two Chicken McNuggets to the mix is, frankly, disgusting, but if he throws them away, she’ll realize he’s been snooping back. Dick knows _exactly_  what goes into those nuggets, just as he knows _exactly_  what’s in the Turducken Sandwich at Biggersons, and he wouldn’t eat either if his life depended on it.

His life _does_ depend on it.

Turning to her computer, Dick frowns, wondering if it’s password locked. Even if it wasn’t, would she know he’d accessed it? Maybe this wasn’t his best idea. Maybe he should get a proxy dupe to do this for him. Finding gullible losers to take the fall had always worked well for him in the past, and–

A soft squeak distracts him. Frowning, he looks around, but there’s nothing to be seen. Probably the elevator, or a distant door that needs oiling or…

There’s a second squeak, and movement catches Dick’s eye. 

The Darth Vader bobble head’s head is _shaking_. Dick frowns. He hasn’t even touched the desk, how is it moving?

It shakes more violently.

_Almost like…almost like a vibrator…_

_Darth vibrator…_

_That’s…oddly tempting…_

_Maybe she won’t miss_ one _item from her desk…_

Taking up the Darth Vader doll, the head on which shook ever more violently - _damn thing is probably broken_  - Dick returned to his office. He had counter-infiltration to plan, and a slight _problem_  in his pants to take care of.

**Author's Note:**

> So if you actually read this ridiculous nonsense...
> 
> I've been posting more short, informal things on Tumblr of late. I'd kinda like to have them all in one place, though, so that I don't lose them - they get buried in Tumblr so quickly - would ya'll rather have them as individual stories (probably lumped into one series) or as chapters on one big thing? I know that multiple chapters of unrelated stuff tends to piss people off but I worried making lots of 500 word things will also piss people off? And some of the bits and pieces tie in to existing stories, too, which just complicates it more...).
> 
> Thoughts? Preferences? Ideas?


End file.
